Last week I came across this beautiful picture on facebook. It was of a naked woman giving herself to a skeleton. The clip from the women captioned stating that this was symbolic of how women and all people give themselves freely to others who have nothing to offer back. How after time we all become bone, the life sucked from us as we have given it freely to those that have nothing to give back.
I then read another Instagram post from a friend about how we are living in a society that almost shames us for wanting to be in a relationship, and how we should be able to on our own but that there is nothing wrong with wanting to share a life with someone.
Both these wonderful posts made me really think about what it is I want and what I feel I am worth.
I have been in one failed relationship after the other. I love freely time after time again, hoping to be the best, coolest most awesome girl they will ever date. But what have they really offered me? Not a lot besides lessons learned and broken hearts I have healed from. So after years of dating fails, I have two ways I can see my life… The victim, which if you read my blog last week, you know I am over that. OR the second, I can look within. I can truthfully seek the lesson and see why I am being given the exact same boyfriend with a hundred different faces OVER AND OVER again!
I chose option 2, obviously and after a few nightly meditations this is what I found:
I am choosing people that have nothing to offer me, because I bring out the best in them for a short period of time and my ego LOVES that! It reaffirms that I am indeed a Unicorn… #NailedIt right? WRONG!!
I am living a lie. I am pretty bad ass, that’s truth; however I have been lying to myself about what I want and why I want it. I have chosen the same type of guy over and over because they cannot give me what my heart wants and that is allowing me to stay stuck, to stay in my rut. Not that I do not come with my faults. I most certainly do. Because I pick men who are emotionally unavailable, abusive, neglectful, or take all I have emotionally and financially, I have to manipulate them for a love that wasn’t real. Force myself and our free time. I am constantly scrambling for ways to make it better, how to make it work, how can I be cooler this week than I was the week before.
I am quite honestly exhausted from being so “cool” all the time and let’s be honest there is nothing cool about not living your truth. I’ve told men I am ok dating other people when I am not, I told one boyfriend who asked me to be his girlfriend and changed his mind 3 days later I was cool with it! LIES LIES LIES… just to be loved because I didn’t know my worth!
So here is what I am worth:
Good Morning texts, real dates, flowers, a man who will make the plans, open my car door and pull out my chair. A man that is not afraid to jump in, a man that knows he wants to love me forever despite where our lives have been and where they are going. A marriage, a life partner and my best friend! What will I give in return, all of me and all of my love! I will do all the little things, I will work through our hard times knowing that our love is real and that I never have to question it because I love myself enough not to NEED you in life. However I will want you in my life, I will want to make you smile and I will want to create the adventure of a lifetime with you because you are my friend, my partner, my love!
What am I worth? I am worth the world and my partner will know he is also worth the world and we won’t complete each other we will complement each other! I am worth all the love there is, because I am love and my love will recognize this in both of us!
So I say to my love now, I am going to continue this journey of self acceptance and self love so that when we meet we will recognize every dream, every passion we’ve ever had in each other’s eyes. I know you are out there and I have never been so excited to meet you in my life, because now when we meet I will not be a broken version of myself, I will be whole!
Love, Peace and Purpose
Rachel
