What No One Told Me About Raising Boys


natural motherhood

Being a parent is easily one of the most amazing, joyous, loving experiences in the world! When I first laid eyes on my oldest boy, I felt like I had known him my entire life. It was just like “Hey I remember you, glad to see you again! Just so you know I am going to protect you with a fierce bear like passion for the rest of your life!” The love was awesome, and my oldest was a pretty great baby so it was easy.

Now I have 2 boys 6 & almost 3. I love them both with a crazy intensity and I would quite honestly kill or be killed to protect those two little beans I grew from scratch in my belly! My body suffered serious weight gain in both pregnancies, as well as pains and aches, constant nausea, headaches and 26-30 hour labors! But I still love the actual fuck right out of them both!

I was a super emotional hormonal girl and always thought I would do much better with boys as my own children than girls. From all my inquiries boys were much easier to deal with than girls and only crazy people raised girls. Seemed legit to me. I wasn’t really interested in someone else’s hormonal rages when I have my own to deal with. Then I had boys (Can I insert a wide eyed straight lipped emoji here)!

My life with boys goes a little something like this:

1. I will forever talk about farts, Buts and Penises!

It actually never ends! If I am not hearing farts from their rears, they are making farts with their mouths. They are always talking about their penises. The 3 year old talks about Vaginas, all the time, thankfully not in public yet. They are putting their bums in each other’s faces, and my face, which is also usually followed by a fart. I am also constantly reminding them to wipe said asses, so you are never quite sure when or if you will develop pink eye! The positive side of this is that I can comfortably fart at any time without someone calling me gross, and I suffer from far less bloating and gas pains than I ever have in my life.

2. I will live in a Battle Zone until they are grownups!

Everywhere in my home is a wrestling match! They play fight, actual fight, roll around, play horsey anywhere and everywhere! I am constantly tripping over a little person, or their toys. They are very fond of yelling , and take great joy in doing so at all times. The 3 year old is by far the loudest most shriekest human being on the face of the earth. However the fact that the 6 year old can make the little one laugh better, faster and louder than any other human in the world is the sweetest most precious thing. I think I actually feel a love tear springing up.

3. I am a full time house cleaner, who does not get paid!

My 6 year old is a lover of crafts, trinkets and to be honest garbage! It’s his treasure so I try not to get to crazy about it. However last night I found pepperoni under his pillow. Along with 1000 pieces of Lego, 2 tons of glitters (which are now ALL over my house), books, crayons, markers, scrap paper, tape and glue!

Also in his card box castle craft, was a truck load of more scrap paper, aka garbage, the other 2 tons of glitter and ALL the laundry and toys he said he picked up over the last two weeks. The rest of my house must get swept 2-200 times a day, as well as a 3-10 daily checks of the premises for fruit cores, peels and other bug attracting garbage! Then just the usual dishes, suppers, laundry, windows and dusting! I don’t actually dust my house unless something pretty major is happening! Until I hire a house cleaner I see no positive light in this.. Unless you count how spectacular my rear looks from all the stairs I climb!

4. Potty Training is a Dangerous Endeavour!

Teaching boys to shake their weenies after they pee, or to not hold it to tight when they are standing was my biggest fear. I don’t stand to pee, so how was I going to teach them? Turns out that was the least of the troubles. Both boys have whipped it out wherever they felt; thankfully the older one did it at home on the main street! However the 3 year old decided last week he was going to pee on the side of his brother’s school mid drop off! Bare ass, and wiener out for ALL to see! The little one also decided he was going to poop in the back yard, so he did! Dropped drawers and let it out right on my back step! I guess the bright side of this is I didn’t have to change a diaper???

5. You can feel 1000 emotions in 2.3 seconds flat!

I can literally go from overwhelming love, to an insane crazy person in no time! I love them so much but they drive me so crazy at times. They can be the most awful humans to each other and then in a flash do something so sweet! One time we were at Save on and they were in one of those car carts, fighting and grabbing each other. I topped gave the little one sit, only to have the big one do the same thing back to him. So as the 3 year old was crying, his brother started crying too, Dax looks over puts his hand on his back and says “It’s ok Brother!”! Soo cute but SO frustrating!

Raising boys is not for the faint of heart, and I’m not even at the teen years yet, but I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world! I try and remind myself that when the 3 year old has a level ten melt down in the store, or terrorizes Lulu Lemon when I am trying to shop. NO one told me I would turn into a Ninja trying to sneak the last Ice Cream Sandwich out of the freezer and into the bathroom, where I would then pretend to poop, just so I could eat that heavenly piece of ice-cream in peace. I am sure that no one told me this because, when they are all grown up and moved out, I am going to miss them and their crazy, messy, loud beautiful antics more than anything!

Love, Purpose and Peace,