I lost a baby in April of 2012.

When I was 19 weeks pregnant, I went in for a regular mid-point ultrasound and the technician told us that there was something wrong. In the next 4 weeks we had more ultra-sounds, a fetal echo-cardiogram and a fetal MRI, we were told our baby had a huge whole in it’s diaphragm and all of the organs had pushed up into the chest cavity making it impossible for the heart and lungs to continue to grow. There was nothing they could do to help the baby and he had no chance of survival outside of the womb. The tests were 100% clear and at 23 weeks, we chose to have a medical termination. It was the most emotionally dark period of time in my life and birthing a baby who you knew was going to pass away was the most traumatic experience of my life.

There are moments in life when you come into who you are and learn more about yourself than you expected. This was one of them for me. It was also most raw and vulnerable period of time for me. This experience could have gone two ways. I could have spiraled into a place of defeat. I could have adopted a victim mentality. I could have shut out everyone in my life and suffered much more deeply than I did. I chose not to. I chose to see the silver linings.

I use the word choose because our thoughts shape everything about us. Making a conscious choice to wake up and show gratitude for at least one thing that you do have sets you up for looking at the good in every situation. Our brain is able to form new pathways and new connections. That means we can literally re-program ourselves to be optimists if you work at it.

Every day I surprised myself with my courage. Every day I listened to my inner voice. Every day I realized that all of my previous experiences had shaped me to be strong enough to endure this time. I payed attention to signs around me and chose to lean on shoulders that were given to me. I looked for lessons.

Coming out of the whole experience my belief was strengthened. I believe all situations we are given in life are lessons. These lessons give us the opportunity to grow and to relate to others to help them grow. So here’s what I learned:

How To Cope In A Healthy Way: Up until this point, I would resort to drinking, partying or over exercising to deal with emotions that I wanted to hide. Every appointment that we were given bad news, I still had a baby inside me that we weren’t 100% sure was terminal. Because of that, I had to do my best to take care of myself physically and emotionally. That meant I couldn’t drink and I couldn’t exercise. I had to rely on meditation and I had to be really conscious about living in the moment. This meant feeling the emotions that were bubbling, identifying them and breathing through them with trust that everything happens for a reason.

I Wasn’t Alone: I almost didn’t write this blog this week because it’s the holidays and we should all be happy. Wrong. The holidays can be really rough for some people and life just doesn’t get bubbly for everyone every holiday season. When I started to tell my story to others, so many people told me about miscarriages they had. It’s not uncommon to loose babies but it is common for no one to talk about it.

I Can Be There For Others: Since 2012, I have been able to be the shoulder for 3 others as they went though a loss. I get sick to my stomach when I first hear of it but I am so grateful that they feel comfortable enough with me to share their story. I’m also happy to be the person that can tell them that it does get better.

Expressing Gratitude Works: Consistently for 2 years before our loss, I would wake up in the morning and express gratitude for 1-3 things. Sometimes it was as simple as “thank-you for giving me another day”. I believe that this helped me set the stage of looking for the bright side even in my darkest moments.

I Have An Amazing Bond With My Partner: The support I felt from Arden was totally incredible. He was hurt as well, but any time that I need to talk, he listened. Any time I cried, he hugged me. Anytime I needed a break, he helped. What we went through most definitely brought us closer together. I am so grateful of how strong our bond is and I don’t know for sure if I would feel the same way if I didn’t go through such a deep loss with him.

Creating an intention to see silver linings in every situation you are in, sets the stage for you to live happier. As you focus on the good, your stress improves so that you can handle the not so good. It’s funny because now, even after a short time of people meeting me they tend to say ” you always find the best in any situation”. There is an interesting work in that phrase… find… It’s there if you look for it so give it a try!

Love and Light

Jayleen