There comes a time when you realize how you have lived is just not going to work for who you are ready to be. It can be overwhelming, sad, and empty feeling when you discover that. For me it’s been downright terrifying, but if you read my blog a couple weeks ago about finding courage in your daily life, I have never been more ready to dive on in and tackle the old. So here is a dirty little secret about me most of you probably do not know… I am a Smoker!
When the New Year hit something in me shifted in a huge way. I made a promise to the man I love and myself that I would quit smoking after my pack was done, and on the 4th of February it will be one month smoke free. This is probably one of the scariest things I have ever done. Sure, I quit both pregnancies but that was for my babies, not me.
I have been smoking since I was 12.. Yes you read that right…12!!!!! I started the year my parents divorced. To be clear, I do not blame the divorce for my smoking but did you know your lungs are associated with grief? I didn’t until after I quit smoking and the anxiety filled my body in levels I have never experienced in my life. When I went to see my acupuncturist we got to talking and she let me know the lung and grief connection. I had been filling my lungs with toxins, trying to numb the pain inside me for over 2 decades!
It wasn’t until I started smoking again when my youngest was one (he’s 2.5 now) that I started to care if people even knew I smoked. But the more I immersed myself in Jay and I’s work and became an educator of living your true self without toxins that I started to really care. I put in a lot of effort to make sure if you came to see me at my home or my booth at a market that there would be no traces of smoke smell or butts. It started to bother me that I was hiding a part of my life and that’s when I realized if I was hiding it, it was not an authentic part of who I was.
I read an article last week that the opposite of addiction is NOT sobriety but human connection. This really got me thinking about why it was so easy for me to quit this time. I realized that all the addictions I have had in my life have stemmed from a way to connect with people. To be able to bond with others over something that was ours even if just for a moment. When I was 12 and going through that hurt I felt alone and isolated but smoking was a way to set me apart and help me bond with people I thought were “cool”. Now, however, I don’t need to have those little secrets to bond with people. I am blessed enough to be able to connect with people daily at school drop offs, with my honey, my boys and with so so so many people in the work I do.
Smoking was a part of my journey there is no doubt about that, but it is not a part of who I am. I remember thinking a while ago how easy it had been when I found out I was pregnant, and I thought well you did it to make sure your babies had the best life. Then I realized that my life is as important as theirs is and if I could stop for them surely I could stop for myself!
I think so many times in our life it’s easy to do what we know is right for others but when it comes to ourselves we do not always see it for what it is. Smoking was a screen for me, It allowed me to suppress things that I needed to communicate and it allowed me to hide my real self. When I smoked and people would harp on me about quitting I would defend my habit and say, it’s not as easy as you think. Really its not easy, especially when you are not ready in your mind to face the reality of why you smoke to begin with. I never thought I would and, to be honest, I cannot say to you with certainty I will never do it again. I do know when we can create meaningful loving relationships, we allow ourselves to connect to others and our true selves and that’s where the magic happens, that is where the courage comes from. The courage is what allows us to create magic in our lives that we never thought was possible, including quitting habits that have held us tight for over 21 years!
Sending you all tons of Love, Light and Purpose, on your path and many well wishes that you are able to create the magic in your life you require to make all your dreams come true!
Rachel
